The Real Slim Lingam, Please Stand Up!

Looks like I wrote this - did I?

By JAIME EE

MY fellow lawyers, citizens and other distinguished friends who may have been caught in an incriminating video or two - greetings. Welcome to our workshop titled: 'Never Say Die Even When Your Face Is Staring At You From The Video - henceforth known as the Lingam Defence.'

Now, this is a very interesting strategy, inspired not by a famous brand of chilli sauce, but by a well-known lawyer of the same name across the Causeway currently caught in a judge-fixing scandal. Upon watching a video allegedly of him talking on the phone and being asked to confirm his identity, he told the court, 'It looks like me, and the voice sounds like me,' but would not say if it was him, or not him, or even possibly him in the video.

Now, any armchair litigator or court kaypoh would pooh-pooh him for trying to pull a fast one. But, my friends, we who live by the mantra 'open to interpretation' have found this to be a ground-breaking defence that, with some modifications, can be used not just in court but in all manner of situations that require deflection of blame.

The focus of this workshop then, is to show you how to use the Lingam Defence in almost any scenario. For example, in the original case, it could subsequently be argued that if one does not look at oneself in the mirror all the time, it is entirely possible to look at a video and think 'that can't be me', especially if one's mental picture of oneself is 20kg lighter and with a more trendy hairstyle. Alternatively, one could also be struggling with philosophical issues, hence he could be referring to himself in the metaphysical sense as in 'Is that really me in the mirror? Or is that just someone else with the same face?'

Similarly, depending on what situation you find yourself in, the same principles can apply. Say, for example, you are presented with a video of yourself having sex with a florist-cum-personal friend. You could delay a public resignation by arguing, 'It looks like me and uh, sounds like me, wait a minute, oh wow, is that really me? Am I that athletic? I didn't know I could do that . . . no no that definitely can't be me. But you know, if it was me, I think I'm pretty hot. But I'm not saying it's me.'

Or, in another scenario where you are caught feeding monkeys in the nature reserve and are being fined $4,000. 'Sir, it may look like me and sound like I was feeding the monkeys, but have you considered the possibility that I was minding my own business when a monkey which did not like the bread someone else gave him, came and shoved it in my hand just before I was filmed? It sounds like I was saying 'here, monkey, have some bread', I was actually saying, 'Eee, monkey, loathsome breed'. Hence, I feel that you should send this tape to an overseas expert for verification and to prove that it was a human who taped it and not another monkey.'

Or, in the case of a chikungunya-carrying mosquito mistaken for a dengue-causing one: 'It looks like me and sounds like me, the resemblance is so uncanny that when I look in the mirror I try to swat myself.'

And there you have it. The Lingam Defence workshop - it looks and sounds like a workshop, but it may or may not have been one. We might offer more, but I can't confirm or deny it.