Thursday, 31 July 2008

Who Gets To Say "Checkmate"?

It's like a chess game.

Except it's no longer a game, it's now survival.

For both parties, the loss means everything.

If Anwar loses, at best he can expect to spend a long time in jail. At worst, he spends a very short time there because UMNO probably won't let him live for long. He's obviously too big a political opponent.

There will be a convenient scuffle, and then a riot in the prison and next thing you know, the fake, mournful faces and the long-winded eulogies will surface. Someone will promise an investigation, which of course won't see the light of day.

But if UMNO loses, it's goodbye to the lavish lifestyles, the blatant corruption, huge mega-projects which eventually turn into white elephants. And hello to disclosure.

Hell. The amount of dirt unearthed would impress Singapore's land-reclamation experts.

A lot of people would probably see the insides of a cell. Through a perspective behind bars, that is. (Unless, of course, they manage to win the affection of the man in power. You aren't naive enough to discount that, are you?)

Which is why UMNO would do anything to get rid of Anwar.

Even at the expense of discrediting themselves, UMNO pursues Anwar Ibrahim with an enthusiasm that could kick us straight into first world status, were it redirected into nation-building.

You'd think they would be able to conjure up an allegation more plausible than sodomy.

But evidently, too much time at the golf courses, feeding their faces at buffets, and going on overseas trips have left them in a state very akin to mental retardation.

They have forgotten that at his age, Anwar Ibrahim is no longer a spry, limber goat. To accuse him of sodomising a young man at the prime of his life is laughable.

I can understand if it was consensual. But to be sodomised 8 times before filing a police report is not something I can be convinced of. And at 23, the rape would certainly not be statutory.

There have been bizarre stunts pulled. Statutory declarations filed, which may or may not mean anything at all. Private investigators gone missing. And some.

And then there have been arrests made, a manner in which even Osama bin Laden would fall unworthy of, for all his terrorist activities. But no charges.

It sure sucks, when the DNA you need to plant as evidence is not available.

Even worse, when medical reports surface; claiming there are no signs of any crime committed on a certain person who claim to be a victim.

It's indescribably awful when the deadline of 16th September looms near and The Wife decides to give up her seat.

Damn, but who gets to checkmate*?

* money back guarantee

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

The Only Malaysians With The Ability To Keep It Together

Alcoholic Malaysian shrews cast doubt on UK booze panic

In a shock development offering hope for the cohesion of British society - not to mention the finances of the British government and the operating model of the Reg - boffins have discovered that it is possible to live almost entirely on booze and yet remain fully functional.

At the moment, according to the latest research, the community containing the largest number of grog-soaked yet productive and orderly members is the pen-tailed tree shrew population of Malaysia.

The diminutive, nocturnal alcoholic soricomorphs' favoured tipple is apparently fermented nectar from the buds of the bertam palm tree, which is about 4 per cent alcohol - roughly equivalent to bitter.

Boffins led by Frank Wiens of Bayreuth Uni in Germany said that the Malaysian shrews generally quaff sufficient palm tree alco-nectar that a human of the same size and habits would be drunk much of the time, according to the BBC. This was determined by analysis of the creatures' coiffure. Yet the boozed-up shrews spent little or no time lurching menacingly about the central gathering-places of the jungle, vomiting and scuffling incompetently with one another. Nor did they stumble home to their furry families only to receive a frosty welcome, followed by a night spent in the shrew equivalent of the coal shed, a nearby skip etc.

Rather, the cheery little fellows "barely seemed to get drunk at all," reportedly - they were more than able to hold their liquor. There may perhaps have been the odd stifled belch, hiccup or inadvertent furniture collision, then, but overall the shrews' evidently quite un-shrewish wives would be perfectly happy to have the vicar round at any time, despite the fact that they and their spouses' back teeth are usually awash.

Other scientists investigating the drinking habits of small furry animals have generally chosen more obvious methods, such as noting when rats became too drunk to remember things by the number of times they wandered onto a floor area which gave them painful electric shocks. (In that particular experiment, it was found that in fact a temperance regime destroyed the rats' memory faster than moderate boozing.)

All in all, the research would seem to have provided yet more proof - were it needed - that it's quite possible to drink like a fish (or indeed, as we would now say, like a shrew) and yet be an upstanding member of society. After all, as the boffins point out, all mammals including humans spring originally from small furry creatures like the tree shrew, which were around in the time of the dinosaurs.

And with Blighty's imperilled public finances now more than ever dependent on the swingeing mulcts laid upon the nation's drinkers, it's surely time for the present anti-booze hysteria to die down, and for us all to emulate our cheery, furry, diminutive ale-swilling remote ancestors. ®

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Mutiny On The ....

It's open season of mutiny.

And if one would only retrieve all the cutlery lodged deep in the backs of various people, there'd be enough for a mess hall feeding an entire army.

I don't know when it all started. But a pact these days, evidently doesn't mean much.

I've always thought PAS at least had some semblance of integrity. But going against the pact made during the recent general elections, they seek to engage UMNO in discussions.

The same UMNO which has perpetually smeared PAS' name by painting them as fuddy-duddy old Islamists (with a streak of misogyny), that are way past their time.

UMNO's indiscretions have also left MCA and Gerakan feeling insecure.

Perhaps, it was the final straw that broke the camel's back. But in a rare display of disunity, both MCA and Gerakan called for open and transparent investigation into the Anwar Ibrahim sodomy case.

Now open and transparent investigation is an alien concept in Bolehland.

We traded off integrity and honesty for stability and economic wealth, a mistake we will inevitably pay dearly for.

As long as the corrupt despots remain in power, there will never be justice, equality and freedom.

But when push comes to shove, alliances are abandoned and pretences set aside.

I look forward to the future.

For I believe the public has matured - awareness evoked and discernment exercised. I'm sure there are better things to come.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Saiful Never Got Sodomised!

He's a virgin. Bless his little black heart.

After claiming he'd been done in, what ... 8 times on different occasions, Saiful Bukhari Azlan is evidently still fresh meat. Well, sort of.

No anal penetration, and no trace of any foreign objects violating that sacred hole, which has been subject to much speculation over the past few weeks.

Looks like politicians from Barisan Nasional can find a new career as C-grade playwriters with their obvious ability to resurrect old plots and flog them to life repeatedly.

They're going to be out of a job soon, anyway.

Really, I don't know how these people pray 5 times a day. I'd be too ashamed to face my Maker.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

No Violence Used?

You see the rivulets of blood streaming down this young man's body?

The FRU personnel would have you think that all this was self-inflicted.

Or the work of exceptionally talented make-up artists.

From Malaysiakini:

A Federal Reserve Unit (FRU) personnel denied that his team had set upon a Proton Wira and its driver - 23-year-old mechanic Chang Jiun Haur - during the Bandar Mahkota Cheras (BMC) fracas on May 27.

If that was so, Chang Jiun Haur must have beaten himself into unconsciousness because he only came to in Kajang Hospital.

But really, one has got to be a special kind of stupid to believe something like that.

And even if one was indeed stupid, there's a videoclip to prove that the FRU personnel were indeed caught on tape beating the hell out of the young man.

They just refuse to point out the perpetrators, preferring instead to plead ignorance and inability to identify the personnel involved.

The FRU men carrying batons and shields who rushed up to Jiun Haur, kicked his car door, hit the passenger door window screen and opened the door before he was forcibly dragged out by at least five personnel.

They proceeded to beat him with something very solid and hard until he lost consciousness.

That hard and solid thing is the ruined baton, which they imperiously and superciliously displayed to the media cameras as proof that Chang Jiun Haur had attempted to run them over with his car.

Yes. So Chang Jiun Haur is now being charged for reckless driving.

His lawyer is an MCA (to be specific, Youth legal bureau head) hawk, who evidently swooped into the moment of opportunity to represent the "downtrodden" and emerge victorious as championing the Chinese cause.

You and I know what kind of "power" that MCA wields. I wonder if this young man would ever get justice served to him.

Saturday, 26 July 2008

Qantas Boeing 747

Holy guacamole.

TimesOnline: The aviation experts say the terror could have been caused by a bomb.

Sure, baby. Could you please check if Osama's name shows up on the passenger list?

New York Times: Federal investigators say the accident was caused by metal fatigue, exacerbated by corrosion caused by salt water.

That's a weird location for fatigue to occur, though. It looks like the secondary structure is damaged, and not the primary.

A whole load of strain and pressure usually isn't likely to cause damage of that magnitude. However, corrosion has some nasty tricks up its sleeves.

I wouldn't want an insight into the thoughts of the Licensed Aircraft Maintenance Engineer who signed it off as airworthy before it took off. It's a very unpleasant position to be in.

Friday, 25 July 2008

We Hear You, Condi! You Can Stop Now...

Don't get me wrong.

I think this woman has achieved much in life.

And I'm proud of her ability to rise above the hurdles and discrimination she's faced in life.

But enough already with all that meddling!

The first time was fine.

We Malaysians do like an international mention every once in a while for our stellar human rights record. It's our publicity relations stint with the rest of the world, you see.

But after that it gets old, Condi.

Perhaps no one pointed out to you, hon, that the USA is in no position to comment about our situation. In fact, to broach the topic of human rights would be nothing short of a virulent case of hypocrisy.

Would you like a list of your international misdemeanours? I've just discovered I'm not the only one who's annoyed. Tehsin is too.

And she has a list. A nice one, which I think some of us would be quite obliged to add on to. Trust me, that ain't something you'd find particularly complimentary.

So Condoleeza - lay off, baby. Otherwise, we'd be compelled to take some action like some students in New Zealand with an inherent sense of fairness and justice.

And a good plan to go with it:

Dr Rice will fly into Auckland tonight and her minders will need to be on alert after a student group announced a reward for anyone who could arrest her.

Auckland University's Student Association is offering $5,000 to anyone who can make a citizen's arrest.

Association president David Do says Dr Rice should be ashamed of her role in the Iraq war.

"I think New Zealanders have an inherent sense of fairness and justice and they understand why we are doing it," he said.

"They see the link between what the US has done to the people of Iraq."

It's good to have civic-minded citizens of the world.

And very good to have upstanding Aussie colleagues to give me the heads-up on this. :)

Thursday, 24 July 2008

They Sing The Same Old Songs

I was thinking about the small-mindedness of our current UMNO government.

They haven't learned a damn thing even after their annihilation (by Malaysian political standards) during the March '08 elections.

It's curiously fascinating when someone like Khir Toyo tries to resurrect the 'Malay Unity' bandwagon. He comes from UMNO, and they should be the last ones to preach on that topic.

Terengganu has purchased some fancy new Mercedes' for their Excos. And you're rolling your eyes because you already know that.

Heck, practically everyone has been discussing what is regarded as an utter waste of money. I won't go into that now.

What you may have forgotten, however, is the tussle for the position of Menteri Besar of Terengganu, right after the elections.

Instead of the incumbent Idris Jusoh, the Sultan of Terengganu appointed another assemblyman called Ahmad Said.

Turns out that Ahmad Said is no better. But that's a story for another day.

Right now, there is evidently a Team A (on Idris Jusoh's side) and a Team B (on Ahmad Said's side). The fact that we know about this Mercedes fiasco, is I believe, thanks to Team A's accidentally-on-purpose leak of information to the media.

Obviously, some dude is not happy about the other dude getting some fancy new rides. Team A has efficiently plunged a keris up the behind of Team B.

How's that for Malay unity? Like I said, UMNO should not be one to preach. These are the very throes of hate, slander and revenge.

Perhaps someone should point this out to Khir Toyo. Get him to remove the beam in his own eye before he throws a hissy fit over the speck in someone else's eye.

Haris Ibrahim says it best: In the name of Malay unity and ketuanan Melayu, UMNO has right royally sodomised the Alis’, the Ahmads’ and the Abus’, hijacking the wealth of this nation for their own chosen few.

UMNO hasn't stopped. And they won't until we stand up and tell them to stick it right where the sun don't shine.

Azly Rahman echoes him: These days, the idea of Ketuanan Melayu is going bankrupt, sinking with the bahtera merdeka. It works only for Malay robber barons who wish to plunder the nation by silencing the masses and using the ideological state apparatuses at their disposal.

Reclaim our country, folks. Don't let it go to the dogs.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

A New Source Of Energy?

What do North Korea, Malaysia and Iran have in common?

No, it's not 'violation of human rights', though that's a close answer. :)

Apparently folks, we are considering nuclear power as a future source of electricity energy.

It won't happen tomorrow; the fusion and fission of things are planned for beyond the year 2020.

But things are changing.

Bill Gates is no more the richest man in the world anymore; the title now goes to Warren Buffett.

In fact, my ole pal Bill has slid down to third spot, being beaten by Carlos Slim-Helu. For a brief period in 2007, the world's richest man was Mukesh Ambani.

Interesting (but useless) trivia: NONE of them own any oilfields. :)

But I digress. As usual.

Back to the issue, petrol prices are not what they used to be. You and I both know that. And not all of our electricity supply (contrary to popular opinion), comes from hydroelectric generation (which is of course, renewable).

Unfortunately, a lot of the electricity is produced using diesel. And with the hike in fuel prices, it's getting hard to maintain the same mode of power generation.

For those of you who don't know, the electricity tariffs were raised by Tenaga Nasional on the 1st of July.

Really, we can't go on building new dams. Even my colleague has been complaining about more and more dams being built in Sarawak, which is his native origin.

Firstly, a lot of land gets cleared in the process, disrupting the ecology - and by extension our natural heritage. Secondly, people get displaced.

Last but not least, the energy cannot be efficiently channelled from the source to the destination. Meaning, if it was generated in Bakun in Sarawak, it dissipates by the time it reaches Peninsular Malaysia because of the distance.

Hence the necessity for nuclear energy, which honestly, is not as dire and damning as it sounds. Everyone always thinks of Chernobyl and mushroom clouds upon the mention of 'nuclear' (or if George Walker Bush had his way, "new-killer").

France uses nuclear energy and the last time I was there, I didn't see anyone keel over and croak for no apparent reason. We can chill with the paranoia for now, if you don't mind.

BUT. And this is important.

We need to have efficient methods of disposing of the waste. Otherwise, it gets dangerous. I'd have more confidence in this new project if Pakatan Rakyat was at the helm.

But consistent with North Korea and Iran, we have our human rights violations. And of course, our token fanatic terrorists.

I doubt the world will stand by and bestow upon us their most benign smile and go-ahead nod.

Khir Toyo And The Extremists

I blame the botox.

Injecting too much of it into your face does weird things to your brain.

It gives you delusions of grandeur. And evidently a bad case of racism as well.

Take the case of this village idiot, for example.

Khir Toyo is of the opinion that UMNO's failure in courting PAS to jointly rule Selangor was proven by the fact that Anwar was being supported by 'extremist' Chinese and Indians via opposition party DAP and the Hindu Rights Action Force (Hindraf).

It wasn't UMNO's fault that they lost Selangor.

Oh no, UMNO can do no wrong.

It's just the nasty little Indians and Chinese messing things up. Heck, Malaysia would have economically kicked the collective behinds of USA, UK, Singapore, Germany, Japan and the rest if it weren't for the pesky little Chinese and Indians.

Malay unity, baby!!

Now I'm a sixth-generation Malaysian, and I'm quite distressed and disgusted to see trash like this in my country.

So I'm going to ask nicely, and I'm going to ask quietly..

.. can someone send the bloody Indon back to where he came from??!!

Thank you.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

It's Crowded In The Closet

We're a bunch of homophobes.

Stuff that. We're a bunch of pious and sanctimonious homophobes with an inordinately torrid fascination for ass-play.

Otherwise, our political scene would not be gaining this much coverage. The accusations flying back and forth wouldn't be this ridiculous.

The mattresses, apartments, Turkish embassies, Statutory Declarations (heck, did you even know what that was before every other Joe started filing one?) and private investigators have their claim to fame attributed to our curiosity.

The most efficient method of assasinating a politician's career is to subject him to a scandal like that. More so homosexuality, rather than an extramarital affair - or even corruption, for that matter.

Why is that of utmost importance? I do recall that Anwar also had a corruption charge to his name. (I presume that was Mahathir's back-up plan just in case the sodomy one didn't take).

Did he get cleared of that or does no one care, since sodomy makes for more salacious gossip? Or is it an accepted fact that all Malaysian politicians secretly have a tendency for "that sort of thing"?

Forget about the politicians. Even blog commenters with supposedly private lives live in the closet. One prominent blogger, who exhibits signs of being not-very-Anwar-friendly (ahem) has fallen victim to such cyber-abuse.

Two anonymous commenters (obviously cowards) have made some rather odd offers. "You back side is looking very attractive. Can I come in?" asks one. The other says, "U r hurtin' KT luvy? Come here, i give some manly-luv."

Distressing, indeed. They sound very repressed. Is this a result of our homophobic society?

Though I'm beginning to think this obsession is not limited to homosexuality. Remember the SD filed by the private investigator, the now-vanished-into-thin-air, Balasubramaniam Perumal?

Can you remember the contents of the SD beyond "susceptible to anal intercourse"? No?

I think it is time for us to do away with laws pertaining to what is defined as ‘unnatural sex’ in Malaysia. The state should not have a say in what people do in their personal life.

During one of my business trips when I was rained in, I took to watching the limited assortment of DVDs that the hotel offered. One of them was Bridget Jones' Diary.

Today, I suddenly recalled a conversation between two of the lead characters (who were in bed together):

Bridget Jones: Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.
Daniel Cleaver: That is one of the reasons why I'm so happy to be living in Britain today.

Back then I got a faint chuckle out of it. But today I frowned and growled, "B!tches! They're talking about us!!"

In Malaysia, under Section 377A and 377B of the Penal Code, any person who has sexual relations with another involving the introduction of the penis into the anus or mouth, can be jailed up to 20 years and is also liable for whipping.

Ow. Some funky laws we have here.

But these laws, while necessary for keeping Anwar Ibrahim behind bars, have not exactly been applied in the case of Chua Soi Lek, who still roams free. Both are offenses under the Penal code.

Of course, the bias could be due to political reasons rather than the "offence" itself. Anwar Ibrahim is from PKR while Chua Soi Lek is conveniently MCA.

If you're still wondering who - yes, I'm referring to The Chua Soi Lek of the sex DVD fame, who has a blog called (shouldn't that be 69, good doctor?) where he chides Anwar for refusing to give a DNA sample.

Gotta love the double standards.

First Malaysian In Space Is Now Datuk

So our spaceflight participant predictably got his datukship.

It feels like a let-down to compare his efforts (if you can call it that) to that of Nicol David, who is a world champion in her own right.

As for Sheikh Muszaphar... what did he do? Eat Malaysian food in space?

I've been pretty hard on the man. It was never personal, but I felt the entire space programme was a gross misuse of funds for a lack of purpose.

In light of our current economic situation, with petrol prices rising and the inflation rate sky-rocketing, it was such a waste of money.

Monday, 21 July 2008

Terengganu's New Rides

I got the heads-up over this issue at Rocky's Bru, where he had, tongue-in-cheek, called it Progress In Terengganu.

For those of you who aren't too familiar with our political administrative machinery, let me give you the low-down on this entire story.

Terengganu used to belong to PAS, prior to the recent elections. Frankly, it should be the richest state in Malaysia, as it has a tremendous wealth of oil reserves, off its shores.

But in good ole Bolehland, the federal government belonging to the ruling coalition, Barisan Nasional, takes all the royalty and metes it out on its own discretion. And to punish the people of Terengganu for voting in PAS, they were denied of the royalty for years.

Now that Terengganu is back in the hands of Barisan Nasional, the administration is making some fancy purchases. This led Rocky to question if this oil royalty was the money with which they were buying their new rides - some very nice Mercedes E200 Kompressors.

They have since denied it, an effort which has led to a series of other bumbling faux pas. The Mentri Besar's words on why Terengganu bought Mercedes cars:

“Please understand that the Proton Perdanas go through continuous long-distance journeys. It’s costing us a lot of money due to high cost of maintenance.

“We are not saying that the national car is not good but in reality we are coughing up more money for maintaining the Proton Perdanas, particularly the gear boxes,” he said.

Ahmad cited the example of the Proton Perdana of state Commerce, Industry and Environment committee chairman Toh Chin Yaw, which has twice undergone expensive repairs costing RM50,000 within 36 months.

“In the long run, Mercedes cars are cheaper to maintain and could also save us fuel costs.

“This is the state’s long-term plan – we are farsighted. The cars could also fetch a high market price, when sold as second-hand cars.

If indeed they were replacing the cars for efficiency, they have indirectly asserted that Proton cars are lousy. Not that it's something we don't know. :)

But regardless of what the man says, I'm banking on oil royalty.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Renouncing The Ampu Culture

If you were a normal, self-respecting individual, you'd cringe just looking at this dingbat smooching up Najib's hand.

I'm fully aware that kissing the hand of an elder, or someone respected is very much part of the Malay culture.

Believe me, folks, that's not what I'm bashing.

It's the ampu culture that I just can't stand. Or to give the disease its full name, ampu bodek.

If you're Malaysian, you'll know perfectly well what I'm referring to.

If you aren't (and I'm aware that a significant number of my readership is actually foreign - though I really can't for the life of me figure out how you wandered in here), it could probably be loosely translated using a variety of names.

For instance, ar$e-licking, brown-nosing and a$$-kissing being some of the more notable ones. Judging by the leet encryption necessary, I doubt these terms are very net-filter-friendly. :)

All cultures find that practice distasteful. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, it's become the norm.

A commenter at Aisehman said:

The ampu/bodek culture is so deeply ingrained within us. If your car has a VIP sticker, you won’t get fined when you park illegally say at KLIA; If a relative dies and you want him/her buried in exclusive places like Damansara or Ampang, you have to know a minister, no less;

Musa and Ghani won’t be holding their lofty positions now, had they acted on their conscience in 1998; In fact, who remembers the names of the prosecution team and the judge who were hastily replaced in the Altantunya case?

We are all part of it. We look for policeman friends to reduce our parking summons, we lobby for scholarships for our children and we turn a blind-eye when our bosses break some rule. Why? Nak hidup! It’s our way!

This is why we have no sense of meritocracy. And yet we cry foul when things don't work out our way.

You see, even if we get rid of our current bunch of despots, they will merely be replaced with a new set. This time, probably more cunning and wily.

We need people with integrity. People who don't find their niche from knowing the right person or playing up to the right crowd.

We need people who have the tenacity to be impartial and the courage to demand accountability from someone who has violated a stand - even if that person happens to be a friend or mutual acquaintance.

Most importantly, we need our law enforcement and judicial systems to be independent of external influence, especially that of political parties.

Till then, we will never recover from this hole we've dug for ourselves.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Any Attempt To Fix Anwar

It's pretty obvious - all the government wants to do, is fix Anwar Ibrahim at any cost.

The Home Minister is proposing a bill to make refusing to give DNA samples illegal.

In the past, we have had heaps of criminals walk through our justice system. Many have refused to produce any samples for the court. Was there any motion in the court for that?

Anyone? No? I thought so.

But this time, Syed Hamid Albar is falling over himself to oil the "wheels of justice". All for poor, screwed Saiful Bukhari Azlan, you think?

What makes this 23-year-old sod so special that the "crime" perpetrated on his goodself merits a change in a bill of parliament to collect and provide the necessary evidence?

What makes him so special that he gets an audience with none other than the Deputy Prime Minister of Malaysia for personal advice about his "condition" before he makes a police report??

Is it about seeking justice for Saiful Bukhari Azlan, or is it about putting away Anwar Ibrahim?

Thursday, 17 July 2008

The Essence Of Time

I go ballistic everytime I hear the government mumble their lame excuses about why they arrested Anwar Ibrahim before the deadline.

I know our education system is severely flawed, but I figured that we were at least taught basic mathematics and how to tell the time.

Either our government comprises of the kids who played truant or they left their brains in San Francisco. (Okay, I know it's supposed to be 'heart' but I think they left that, too).

The truth is, this week I am in such a bad mood with all the roadblocks and dumb government stunts that I truly need a dose of humour to get me through, no matter how lame.

But back to our esteemed government.

On being asked why the police had not waited until 2pm before making the arrest, Deputy Home Minister Wan Farid comes up with, “What's the difference between 20 or 50 minutes?”

Listen up, fool.

When you give a deadline for 2PM, you wait until the time expires before you begin your clown act.

You wait until 13:59:59 before you put on your ski masks and display your wannabe Knight Rider driving skills in an unmarked car with tinted windows.

I know it's tough to get past that numb skull of yours, but read my lips:


Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Anwar Arrested!

They have made him a martyr, a superhero and a saint - all rolled into one.

Heck. Even Anwar Ibrahim himself could not have orchestrated it better.

The Barisan Nasional government is very systematically and imminently committing suicide.

Just after the highly-publicised debate on fuel subsidies yesterday, the silly roadblocks the day before and the fuel price protest the week before, public tension is high and you would think the government would tread carefully.

Very, very carefully. But no.

They didn't even give the man time to make an appearance at the police station. If Anwar had not showed up at 2pm, I would understand the need to arrest. They didn't even wait for the deadline.

About a dozen policemen, some of them wearing balaclavas, cordoned off the road leading to Anwar's house and stopped his car. Balaclavas are very Russian mafia. Did the police don them for special effect or to protect their own identities?

Some of the cars were marked and some were unmarked. Was there a necessity for the police to bring 10 cars to arrest one old, unarmed man with a bad back? Ironically, only today I wondered aloud what exactly it is that the Malaysian police do.

That wasn't all. They then bundled him into a police car with dark tinted windows before heading off for the HQ. Now the dark tinted windows remind me of the Sicilian mafia, bless their collective black hearts.

The damn fools went on to seal off roads to the police headquarters where Anwar had been brought, while a water cannon was on standby and a helicopter circled overhead.

And you thought last Monday's Gestapo-meets-Hamas type police presence was intimidating.

This beats most of the action-cum-thrillers in all its macabre violence that I've seen in Hollywood. Soderbergh, Kubrick, Tarantino, Ang Lee - time to pack up, you boys have been replaced!

Around the world, the major players in news publishing are furiously churning out articles and regular updates!

USA: Bloomberg, CNN, Wall Street Journal
France: International Herald Tribune
Qatar: Al-Jazeera
China: China Daily
UK: Times Online

How about our top news man? Raja Petra Kamaruddin of Malaysia Today has also been summoned to a police station where he is due to be charged for defamation.

They have great timing, don't they?

This is bound to inspire confidence in foreign investors. Have you seen today's stock market?

What Do Our Police Do?

It's not like we have a shortage of police personnel in Malaysia.

Because of late, we have been running into a whole bunch of them making a nuisance of themselves on our roads under the pretext of public safety.

We do have enough people in the force. The problem is, they're either bumbling incompetents or not being deployed for the right roles and functions.

All this while, I thought the role of the government was to protect its citizens and bring the criminals to justice. Yes, I'm an unapologetic idealist.

But I was wrong. Our government protects its criminals and abuses its citizens.

How long has it been since an innocent little 9 year old was kidnapped and brutally abused before being murdered?? Ladies and gentlemen, I know you may find this hard to believe, but it's almost been a year since Nurin Jazlin's body was found.

Sharlinie has been missing for 6 months.

Has there been any progress? Have we come closer to solving the mystery?

Why are the police out in the streets, harrassing the citizens when they should be looking for criminals?

I really want to know.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

The Whole Two Years

Everyone and his dog has blogged about Pak Lah's announcement of abdicating the throne to make way for Najib in two years' time.

That, my friends, is a very long time indeed.

Forget about the fact that our system is technically a democracy (though some would very fiercely disagree with me), and that we head for the ballot boxes - to choose our elected representatives and consequently, the Number One man - about once in every five years.

Pak Lah has certainly forgotten about that.

Really, I don't know if I can bear this man for 5 minutes longer.

This is the incompetent fool who claimed that the roadblocks were put into place to reduce hindrances and traffic jams.

To those of you who were caught in those awful, massive traffic jams on your way to work, combusting copious amounts of RM2.70/litre worth of petrol, be informed: those roadblocks were to ensure that "disturbances" would not occur.

To those of you who witnessed the heavy police presence, you may be forgiven for thinking that the Gestapo had collaborated with the Hamas to take over Kuala Lumpur city.

Not quite. It was merely in anticipation of protests ahead of a motion of no confidence in the PM. And to keep Anwar Ibrahim off a 5km radius of the Parliament.

My mother was impressed. "Is the government really *that* afraid of Anwar?" she asked.

Possibly terrified. Possibly not.

But you can probably anticipate what's going to happen within these next two years.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Travel Restrictions To UK

Looks like the UK has had about enough of Malaysians and wants to slap visa restrictions on us because we keep getting involved in crime.

The NST claims it's because Malaysian women are often caught being drug mules.

It is learnt that Britain is unhappy with the number of Malaysians caught for criminal offences, especially drug "mules".

Recently, there has been a growing number of young, unattached Malaysian women caught overseas for drug smuggling.

Looking through the BBC and Times Online, I couldn't find a cross reference that agreed with that. I've read about Malaysians apparently guilty of bogus passports, criminal acts and terrorism.

But let's just say that the NST is right and this Visa restriction is because of Malaysian women smuggling drugs across borders.

Frankly, I just about lost it when I first heard about the restrictions they plan to impose on women. Like carrying a letter around is going to prove anything. It's discrimination, pure and simple.

To give credit to our ingenious Foreign Affairs ministry, I'm sure there are some drug-smuggling deals that have been planned long before the women decide to go abroad.

I think the drug peddlars contact the 'mules' through the internet, befriend them, offer them a simple job with lucrative benefits (at this point, the warning bells start ringing in my head) and coax these women to meet them abroad with a small package.

If Rais Yatim is reading this, I can almost hear him calling for a ban on the internet to combat this particular problem. Our ministers are so brilliant, it makes one swell with pride.

But getting back to the issue, I do feel sorry for some of these women. I'll bet they're hit where they're most vulnerable - either their pockets or their hearts.

That being said, I think a lot of the drug dealers prey on potential victims in the airport itself, especially those who appear lost or overwhelmed. The Foreign Affairs ministry can't do anything about this.

I've lost count of the number of times I've flown. Or even been in an airport. I cringe to think how I must have appeared, the first time I flew alone. :)

But today, I can always spot a newbie. The hesitation, the "lost" look. Heck, I get lost all the time in airports, but I know what I need to do to find my way around and whom to ask.

That lost puppy look is about as obvious as flashing neon lights with a signboard sprouting from their foreheads identifying them as "GREENHORN".

If I can spot a first-timer, the well-trained eye of a drug-smuggler can do it faster.

Forget about trying to combat this problem at the Immigration Department. Start by educating these young women.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Biro Tatanegara & Khidmat Negara

I'd have thought that any news beyond anal accusations and sodomy would be a welcome relief.

Evidently not.

These shenanigans by the Biro Tatanegara (BTN) have me more than just a little disheartened. In fact, it reminds me of why we need a change of government even more urgently.

Malaysians are a gullible bunch. They would like to believe that this BTN is a rogue programme, one that has not been monitored properly and allowed to spin out of control.

Take these two commenters on Malaysia Waves, for instance:

Khalid Hishamuddin says, "I hope the Ministry of Higher Education is taking note of your report."

Seriously, I doubt the government reads blogs, so don't flatter yourself or anyone else for that matter, dude.

Another anonymous commenter says, "..the PM's Dept or the Higher Educ Ministry must take immediate and drastic action either against the lecturer or to thoroughly review or axe the whole BTN program... Where's the National Unity Department ? Don't they monitor these courses ?"

This programme comes under the Prime Minister's department. I assure you, they know EXACTLY what they are doing. They just didn't expect to be caught at it.

I suppose they need to improve on their brain-washing skills because it didn't work on everyone and obviously, someone snitched and that is why we are all reading about this.

And the Khidmat Negara, or National Service? Is it any better?

Zorro asks, "Did the government set up the BTN and NS to combat our dismally flawed education system? Or were they set up to complement it and perpetuate the racism and hate?"

He certainly has a point.

The fact is, UMNO needs to keep the Malays under their thumbs. It needs to inflame a sense of entitlement from the world, so as to keep the Malays paralysed and incapable of competing. It needs to create fear and paranoia.

Of course, a lot of Malays (and I have to give them the credit) don't subscribe to these lame beliefs and have made it on their own, especially abroad.

But I don't want the smart Malays to go abroad and leave us with the bodoh piang bunch. It's the idiots who will fall for the racist crap like 'Christians don't like Muslims' and a classic one: 'Malays aren't racist, but everyone else discriminates against them'.

If I had a dollar everytime I heard a snivelling-moron-on-a-victimhood-drive spout that kind of crap, I'd be sipping a piƱa colada on the Copacabana beach right now.

This kind of psychological war isn't new. But it's shameful to think it can still be employed even in this day and age.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Nicol David Finally Honoured!

Never have we ever had a World No. 1. Ever. Face it, when it comes to sports, Malaysia is rather inferior.

But this tornado of a squash player has given us international recognition for once.

She has consistently thrashed every woman in her league.

It's about time Malaysia gave her an honour. For too long, I have seen a 'datukship' as a symbol of corruption and cronyism. But Nicol David (being so deserving of it) makes the honour of "datuk" what it should rightly be.

So heck, I'm very proud of this kid. :)

Friday, 11 July 2008

Political Credibility In Malaysia

All things considered, I think our political scene is dull.

Sure, our politicians tend to serve up quite a full-course, with a menu none can surpass.

For appetizers, we had sizzling snacks of C4, SD and PI. (Abbreviations are in vogue. Get with the programme.)

Then we were treated to a new brand of instant noodles called SodoMee which was unfortunately flung around, akin to how my classmates and I used to play with food in the school canteen - back in the 80s and 90s.

For dessert, we were treated to Turkish delight, which was a rather brief and simple affair, I must admit. I won't even get into the subject of Hershey's.

What any citizen wants and needs in its political candidates is credibility. But you and I know that our Malaysian politicians have completely lost it.

So we turn to our British counterparts, to seek direction on how to make a point about principle (something sorely lacking in the Malaysian political scene), to start with.

Now there's this dude called David Davis. He's a politician in Yorkshire, which is someplace in northern England where they have strange accents. I hear translators are absolutely essential for effective communication with the rest of the world.

Yorkshire is also known as God's Own County, for reasons probably best left unknown.

Mr Davis' parents really liked the letters D, A, V, I and S, for some reason. They also had limited creativity when it came to bestowing names upon their children. That, I regretfully inform you, is discussion for another day.

Today, I want to bring your attention to a simple but life-changing by-election in Yorkshire. David Davis was the incumbent but he resigned out of principle. Long story. The short version is, he is contesting for the same seat again.

If you thought it was merely a negligible by-election, you're wrong. Unfathomably wrong.

It's a tough fight indeed.

They have such excellent, well-thought-out party manifestos, and such memorably catchy names to go with it. It is about faith, ecology, psychology, and even pathology.

You would only have to listen to their manifestos to be struck by the gravity and profundity of life itself. For instance:

"If elected our candidate would like to see Cherie Blair detained indefinitely in a convent to stop her having sex with Tony and telling us all the boring details."

- Lord Biro of the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

How could you not support a party that is all for conservative morality? One that champions religious places like convents? One which has the words 'church' and 'militant' in the same sentence??

Then we have candidates with deep, soul-searching statements:

"Vote for insanity, you know it makes sense".

- Mad Cow-Girl of Monster Raving Loony Party

I was almost moved to tears. It sounded like a mission statement that Malaysians, collectively, would nod their heads and resolutely believe in.

Finally. Deep in the inner recesses of our mind, and in the very core of our hearts, we knew someone out there would understand us. Even if her name was Mad Cow-Girl.

The small by-election in Yorkshire has even brought out the scientific and intellectually superior individuals among us earthlings. For a thorough perspective on evolution and conspiracy, we have the Green Party.

No, they're not all about recycling.

But they have an intriguing spokesman with some fascinating views:
Earth is controlled by "reptilian humanoids", such as US President George W Bush and former Prime Minister Tony Blair.

- David Icke of the Green Party

He discovered in 1991 that he was the son of God. Unfortunately, there are some really nasty people out there who were skeptical of his brilliant prophesies.

His words of wisdom were sadly met with ridicule and derision. It was a trying time for him and he had to seek reclusion for a while.

If you have trouble believing in David Icke, open up your heart (not literally, please). Pick up a guitar. Sing a flower song. Refrain from having a shower for 37 days. Go live in a commune.

The truth shall set you free.

But Yorkshire, in spite of being God's Own County, has shown the finger to the son of God, the militant rock-n-roll church, and the mad-cow girl - though not necessarily in that order.

This morning, to my chagrin, the Grauniad announced that David Davis had claimed a "stunning victory".

I still hold the hope, fleeting as it is, that one day we will see the calibre of political candidates that the UK boasts.

Till then... we have sodomy.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

More Body-Snatching In This Rotten State

It's no secret that KTemoc is anti-PKR, while Jed Yoong displays very startling signs of being anti-DAP.

And I? I have been accused of being anti-PAS.

Even a friend who was reading my blog said, "Although you start off by apologizing that you are going to blast PAS, your blog takes a very friendly approach to such blasting."

Point taken, Kev :-)

PAS can be misogynistic, among other things, and that usually makes me see red.

But at least PAS cannot be accused of this: making claims on dead bodies over alleged conversions to Islam.

I don't rightly claim to know who these "religious authorities" are, but PAS hasn't come forward to claim responsibility over them. They could be some random minions of the government who just generally lack a sense of direction in life, aren't getting laid, or have ants in their pants.

Seriously, these bastards are pathetic.

A man commits suicide -- hangs himself. For whatever reason.

His distraught family sends him to the hospital for a post-mortem.

You'd think they've had enough grief for awhile? But no. Enter the religious authorities who claim that the man had mysteriously converted, though there was no mention of it to his family.

And this latest case is even more lacking in credibility, because there is no signature, thumbprint or any other evidence to indicate or prove that there was, indeed, a conversion on the part of the dead man, Elangesvaran.

So the family filed an injunction in High Court to prevent these religious buffoons from claiming the body and burying it simply because there are all these vague notions floating that claim he may be Muslim.

It's their relative after all, and it would mean much more if they gave him the final farewell.

Now if this was a normal, reasonable country, this case would be heard in a civil court, which would in effect, be a level playing field.

But again, no.

The religious authorities sneakily bring their case to a Syariah Court, which, in an equally dirty manner rules in favour of the religious authorities.

This is unethical and frankly illegal, because the ruling of a Syariah Court should only apply when both parties are Muslim. The dead man's family was undisputably Hindu.

And yet, based on this asinine ruling, the poor fool was eventually buried in the Parit Buntar Muslim cemetery by complete strangers.

I once had an ex-colleague, with whom I was prone to having profound discussions.

This time the discussion was about big events like weddings and funerals and the cost incurred in hosting them. I was in particular, complaining about weddings.

Lisa looked straight in my eye and said, "Hon, weddings are never about you - they're about your parents!" It took me a while to digest that before I inquired, "And funerals?"

She paused for a moment. "Funerals are for those you leave behind." And today, I understand what she meant. It's about closure. It's about paying your last respects. It's about saying goodbye.

But Elangesvaran Benedict's family never got to say goodbye.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Say What, Bung?

Usually, the likes of Bung Moktar Radin are not worthy to grace the sites of my blog.

But his sorry attempts at lying - being caught on tape and watched by the nation - is too hysterical to pass up. I have since decided to document it for posterity.

Lewd gestures like these are so Barisan Nasional, bless their little black hearts.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Protesting The Fuel Price Hike

I was disappointed at Sunday's PROTES rally.

Firstly, the atmosphere was one akin to some pesta or festival.

Protests, demonstrations or rallies are not meant to be confined to stadiums. They are meant for the streets - to raise awareness and to provoke thought (not violence).

This one seemed more like a private pity-party.

Not that I don't endorse the sentiment behind it. I do. Very much.

I am proud that the organisers had the gumption to stand up and speak their minds instead of being cowered by the government.

And oh, how the government tried to intimidate. Both the NST and TheStar carried reports on security being beefed in anticipation of a violent demonstration.

In Malaysia, if an anti-government demonstration turns violent, it's usually the government agent provocateurs that instigate trouble.

But this time all was calm. Even the police presence was (almost disappointingly) low-key.

An aside, I usually judge the potential impact of an event based on the police presence. If the government (and subsequently, police) think the message is barely reaching out to the masses, it ignores the protest/rally/demonstration.

I don't know if people were indeed intimidated by the tabloid (mainstream media wannabes) spin.

Because that leads me to the second reason why I was so disappointed - there were so few people there! (Though I'm sure there were more than whatever it is that the tabloids have claimed).

Seriously, people. Have you decided to resign yourselves to being screwed by the government?

Evidently a few Malaysians wrote emails to Michael Backman complaining about the reduce in fuel subsidy and asked him to write a column attacking it.

He did just the opposite.

I did a brief google check to see how many Malaysians had copied his article (like they have with many of his previous articles in the past) to their blog, verbatim. The answer: None.

Obviously, it wasn't a very popular sentiment.

I find himself agreeing with most of his points, but I have my reservations on some - notably, his suggestion on what the government should do with the money:

Of course, one thing the Malaysian Government should now do with the billions it will save on a reduced subsidy is to improve public transport infrastructure.

Now where have I heard of this before?

The previous fuel price hike, no?

Have we seen much improvement in our public transportation system? Do we see better connectivity between the suburbs and satellite cities to the central business district?

No, you say???

Hell, our transportation may be cheap.

I've travelled through almost 10 countries in Europe and can attest to that fact after paying (what seemed to be) through my nose.

Munich, as I recall, was the worst. I paid €8 (RM40) for a trip that would probably cost me RM2.50 here.

But people in Munich don't earn what we do.

People in Munich wouldn't stand in the cramped, sardine-packed LRT cabins that we do.

People in Munich don't stand ages on dusty roads waiting for the bus to finally arrive.

I can appreciate that we are not Munich. We are not Singapore. We are Malaysia.

We need that goddamn "improvement in public transport infrastructure" more than anything else. But our interests are not necessarily those of the government.

The people who represent our government are more interested in personal gain.

They are pretending to pay out fuel rebates to citizens while emptying national coffers.

They are buying luxury yachts, private jets and lovely mansions in Australia.

Now if that fuel subsidy is reduced, that money is not going to go into improving public transport infrastructure. It will go straight into someone's pocket.

And that is Malaysia's fate. We find ourselves in this cesspool purely out of our own doing (or lack of it).


Saturday, 5 July 2008

Najib's Involvement With Altantuya

My pal Walski has put up a poll which I have been sorely wanting to create myself.

I'm really interested to know what you think.

Go forth and vote at myAsylum.

Fighting Fire With Fire

Bolehland is a strange place.

I would say it is the strangest place on the planet, but firstly, I could be biased (being subject to way too much the past few days). And secondly, I cannot claim to having been everywhere.

But I know we have some simple rules, based on which we evidently play by. (I'm not exactly quick on the uptake, but eventually even I get the picture).

1) The truth is based on impressions, not facts.
2) Fight fire with fire.

Now, this second rule is what I find quite intriguing as I have been observing some very stark comparisons in this political power play.

It's sort of like a tit for tat. Eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. And Newton's 3rd Law: Every action has an equal but opposite reaction. (Who said Physics wasn't important?)

In other words, fighting anus with anus.

BN: We gotcha, sucker! We're gonna have a cute little pretty boy say you've been taking the back way. Again!! ::nefarious laugh::

PKR: Not this time, dumb-asses! Two can play that game! We'll say your poster boy Defence Minister cum Deputy Prime Minister has been taking the back way with a nice pretty girl before blowing her up! ::dart away to some foreign embassy::

For Newton's 3rd Law to be fulfilled:
Equal: Anal sex.
Opposite: One is male, the other's female.

But basically, yes - ass-play for ass-play. Aren't we such refined, cultured people?

Heck, Bolehland even fights Rice (Condoleeza) with Rais (Yatim). Now you know why the PM in all his unfathomable wisdom picked this pompous fool for the position of Foreign Minister.

That, and his talent for lubricating his jaws with saliva. An example of his mindless ramblings:

"I think it is just an esoteric act on behalf of the US State Department by a junior officer. However, we hope that Anwar will cease to become an 'attractive bird' to the American side.

"The US has a habit of sticking its nose not only in our affairs but they do that almost as a matter of course in respect of other countries as well. But they have a special interest in Malaysia, somehow," he said.

Yeah, big boy. How I love his patronising attitude and inflated sense of importance.

I'm sure the US really takes a special interest in us, considering our penchant for taking the Hershey Highway.

Friday, 4 July 2008

Blown To Kingdom Come!

I'm sitting at my desk on a drizzly Friday morning, languidly surveying the aftermath of the C4 expose during the press conference yesterday.

Yes, there was yet another Statutory Declaration.

This time by a private investigator, who hurriedly retracted the previous one and submitted a new one, casually omitting some sleazy bits.

At this point, I'm out of theories, conspiratorial or otherwise.

Everyone in town seems to be filing an SD - except you, me and Lim Kit Siang. Doesn't that make you feel almost deprived and neglected?

I can think of someone who's getting a lot of attention though. Good ole Najib, defence minister, DPM and purveyor of C4 explosives.

Personally, I think Najib's career is totally blown away.

Can you hear those loud booming sounds? But that's just the Americans celebrating their Fourth of July and exercising their constitutional right to set off fireworks. :)

In Malaysia, it's rarely about the truth because it is so elusive, and all about impressions.

This time, BN is getting a dose of its own medicine.

But more later.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

The Truth Is Like Pink Bananas

When someone like Abdullah Ahmad Badawi claims that there are no threats against Anwar Ibrahim's life and that the government promises protection for him, there is only one suitable response that comes to mind:

Dude. Plug that hole.

And I'm referring to his mouth, and not the other end, lest you think I am suggesting he go get himself sodomised.

Though it wouldn't be a bad idea considering how sodomy has become so in vogue these days.

But I digress.

It astounds me that Pak Lah even bothers to declare assurances anymore. Everyone knows he lies as fluently as he snores.

Any occasion where Pak Lah utters the truth (even by accident) would be an occasion to celebrate. A moment to commemorate. Time to bring out the champagne and make a toast..

It would be as rare, unexpected, unbelievable - perhaps even confusing as, say ... pink bananas.

Now Pak Lah is either ignorant of the reputation he possesses, or in severe denial. I'd say the latter is a higher possibility.

It doesn't, however, stop him from getting offended when the USA stated that it would oppose any politically motivated investigation or prosecution against Anwar.

"The United States seems to harbour prejudice against us. The Government will not intervene in any investigation. The team carrying out the probe are professionals and they know their duties."

In your dreams. Liar.

There are no professionals left in the police force. The judiciary has its hands tied behind. This investigation is probably an exercise in futility.

I expect to see mattresses being brought to court again.

But Pak Lah cannot take the credit for being the biggest liar yet. Someone else takes the cake:

Malaysian deputy Prime Minister Najib Razak also assailed the American government for implying that the investigation could be biased.

"It is not politically motivated. The thought never even crossed our minds," he said.

I was still laughing 3 hours later.

As I said, the truth is like pink bananas.

Our Tabloid, The Star

On numerous occasions I have referred to The Star and New Straits Times as tabloids pretending to be mainstream media.

Today, it amused me to no end that The Guardian evidently agrees with me. :)

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Fuel And Electricity

Two things I want to bring to your attention, folks.

Fuel and electricity.

This instant distraction of Sodo-Mee is taking our minds of the very issues we should stay focused on.

Today, the electricity tariffs were raised by Tenaga Nasional.

Next Sunday, we will have the biggest protest staged in Malaysia over the fuel hike just outside Amcorp Mall. They're expecting a million people and that million just might show up.

Now it won't be a calm, laidback million having a picnic. I can imagine some very irate people wanting to be heard.

And I'm worried.

All we need is a ruckus (orchestrated by our friendly BN goons themselves) and we have the country going into emergency.

This would be the perfect excuse for the ruling coalition to wrestle back the 5 states belonging to the Pakatan Rakyat.

So does anyone have any idea how to deal with this?

Do we postpone this protest/rally?